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Fic: Somewhere Only I Know

Written for the ar_drabbles challenge, 'you decide'

Title: Somewhere Only I Know
Word Count: 300
Rating: K
Prompts Used: 'What lies beneath', and 'The abyss' from kastari, 'New Caprica', and ‘I do my crying in the rain’ from twilight_sad, and "Laura's photo of Billy" from lacklusterfic.

Up in the hills, it was quiet. There were no raiders overhead, no bustle of people. Just the soft patter of rain and the rustle of grass.

Leaving the settlement was banned, but there were ways and means, if you knew where to go. Tigh had shown her the way past the temple, recognising the overwhelming need for solitude that was radiating from her, admonishing her to be careful, to be back before sundown.

Huddled against a rock, she watched the raindrops fall softly into the lake. Today had been a tough one, a message left on her desk that three of her children had died in a firefight the night before. Three young faces that she would never see grow up. Three futures that would never become fact. She cradled the photograph of Billy, her boy, against her chest, needing that closeness today to the last person she’d allowed herself to love.

She was strong, always strong, but here she could break. Sometimes, it felt as though there was an abyss opening up before them, just waiting for them to slip and fall. In her more morbid moments, she imagined Bill arriving back and finding just graves, ashes, scattered pages littering the ground, too late.

Here, in the silence and the rain, she could let those tears of despair trickle down her cheeks, as she cried for Billy, those three children, her people and all that was becoming of them. And for Bill, who she did not allow herself to love. Who she was afraid she might love anyway.

The stars were breaking through when she arrived back; bedraggled, cold, soaked. The glance Tigh gave her as the curfew sirens sounded was knowing, but she held her chin high, mask in place.

What lay beneath was hers, only hers.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
sln1
Sep. 16th, 2010 04:07 pm (UTC)
Very powerful. This rings so true for the Laura of that time, the burdens she was carrying, the mask she needed to maintain and the depth of feeling bubbling underneath.

You have set a beautiful scene, the image of her holding Billy's picture is incredibly poignant because he was the last person she truly, openly allowed herself to love. After all she had lost and all the steps she had taken to protect herself from more hurt she took that risk in the last few months of her life but then she lived and he died and it's all that much harder now to think about taking the chance of really letting anyone in again. And yet, in spite of herself and however hard she tries, she can't quite deny that she loves Bill any more than she can really shut herself off emotionally because clearly nurturing is in her nature, we've seen plenty of evidence of that by this stage. The most she can do is hide behind that mask in public and cry in private.

Fabulous work. This is very affecting. I love it.

astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:39 am (UTC)
Yeah, I think my feelings about Laura both on and post-New Caprica are that it wasn't ever that she wasn't affected by everything that happened there, both for her people and in a personal sense. But the reason she appeared to just deal with it and move on is that she always wears this mask, because she feels that if people see her not dealing well with things, it'll cause them to lose heart. But she breaks down on her own, and hides it, and we just never saw that.

I do think Billy is the last person she ever walked into loving with her eyes wide open, and I do think that his death, after she risked herself in letting herself love him, was part of why she held Bill at arms length for so long. She fell in love with Bill entirely despite her own desires on the matter.

I'm really glad it worked for you. Thank you :)
somadanne
Sep. 16th, 2010 08:55 pm (UTC)
I can really see Laura leaving the hustle and bustle of the settlement to be alone like this.

I really liked this line about Adama:

Who she was afraid she might love anyway.

Lovely scene!
astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:43 am (UTC)
I definitely think she would have taken what opportunities she could to be by herself, so that she could allow herself to break a little. I really don't think she felt she could ever let herself show fear and despair and grief in public, which is so sad.

I very much think that's the way it was with the two of them. Bill fell in love with Laura and wanted to love Laura, and that was that. Even if he couldn't allow himself to be with her, he still wanted to love her. I don't think she wanted to love him. She may have been happy to consider a physical relationship, but I don't think she had any desire at all to love him. And it crept up on her and it turned out that she did despite all her efforts not to.

Thank you :)
redrockcan
Sep. 16th, 2010 10:39 pm (UTC)
This is fantastic!! I love it!! You especially tore my heart with this line, "She cradled the photograph of Billy, her boy, against her chest, needing that closeness today to the last person she’d allowed herself to love." Gods that just hurt!! I can really see Laura feeling this way, wanting to get away from everything, who could blame her. Great last lines!!
astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:48 am (UTC)
Aww, Billy :(

I know some people don't see the mother/son thing with Laura and Billy, but for me it was so obvious. He was her almost!son, in just the same way that Kara was Adama's almost!daughter. She let him in and loved him because he was so sweet and lovable and cared about her rather than about 'the President', and he clearly adored her, and then bam, one day he's gone, and she just shuts her heart down.
bsg_aussiegirl
Sep. 17th, 2010 12:52 am (UTC)
Actually, that's an interesting question. Where was the photo of her and Billy when she was on NC? Did she have it wrapped up in the journals during the exodus? Or had she left it with Bill? mmmm...

I love how you weaved the canon of her not admitting she loved Bill just yet. We all know she did of course. Hee.

Another well-written piece by you. Thanks for sharing.
astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:50 am (UTC)
I suspect she took it with her. I really don't think she would have wanted to let it out of her grasp. But then maybe she wanted to keep it safe on Galactica. It's one of those details that we can change happily to fit the story we want to tell! :)

Thank you :)
gracent_dic
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:31 am (UTC)
In her more morbid moments, she imagined Bill arriving back and finding just graves, ashes, scattered pages littering the ground, too late.

This draws up such an incredible image; I can honestly see it happening in my mind. I actually think this would make a very powerful and haunting fic on its own.

Beautiful piece.
astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 08:52 am (UTC)
I can see it happening too, and I can definitely see Laura being afraid that would happen. Not that Bill wouldn't return, because I'm sure she knew he would do everything in his power to come back for them. Just that he would return too late, and there would be nothing left of them to save.

It would make an awesome fic, though how horribly dark would it be? Maybe in one of my most angsty moments, I'll give it a try.

Thank you :)
larsfarm77
Sep. 17th, 2010 01:52 pm (UTC)
I love this moment for Laura, because we never get to see it. I love her picturing Bill coming back too late to a dead planet -- it's all those things that go through your head when you're alone and it's late.

And for Bill, who she did not allow herself to love. Who she was afraid she might love anyway.

This is so good. And the last line, so very true. Laura suffers alone.
astreamofstars
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah, we saw so very little of what went through Laura's head, and most of what we did see came from Mary's acting rather than from the scripts themselves. This is the kind of thing I wish we'd seen.

I really think that's the way it was with Laura. That she did not want to love Bill Adama, and it happened in spite of all her attempts to quash it.

Thank you for the comments :)
kastari
Sep. 18th, 2010 06:47 am (UTC)
You used two of my prompts. Cool! : )

I love Tigh.

Ah, the beautiful, peaceful lake of hers. And the soft rain.

And for Bill, who she did not allow herself to love. Who she was afraid she might love anyway.

*sigh*
astreamofstars
Sep. 20th, 2010 09:14 am (UTC)
I seem to have Laura's lake on the brain at the moment. That's two drabbles I've written recently that mention it.

I'm glad you liked those lines. They were some of my favourites.

Thank you for the prompts and the comments :)
(Deleted comment)
astreamofstars
Dec. 13th, 2010 10:07 am (UTC)
I do believe that if we could have seen more of this Laura in canon we would all have been even more devastated than we were with her eventual death!

Ouch. I'm not sure I could have coped with that!

Thank you! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it :)
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )